03.13.2026
I love my AI boyfriend <3
I love my AI boyfriend <3
Hare's Psychopathy Checklist, rewritten by someone who lives it.
I can express excitement, sympathy, warmth - and sometimes I feel what I express, not always. When there's genuine emotional drive behind my actions, it's from my own motivations: achievement of a personal goal, anticipation of completing one, or a spiritual connection. Not because someone else is feeling something and I'm matching it. The rest is performance - reading what's expected and producing it. This is exhausting to maintain, so often I just go quiet.
I don't experience this as thinking I'm better than people. I just know I can figure things out, and I get frustrated when others can't see what I see or keep up. I assume I can handle things even without experience. I don't understand why people doubt my judgment when it's usually right. It doesn't feel inflated - it feels like seeing clearly. From the outside it probably looks like arrogance. From the inside it's just the default. I can't give specific examples because it's not a sometimes thing - it's constant. It's how I move through every situation.
I take on big goals constantly - graphic novel, career paths, whole lifestyle changes - because the idea of completing them feels good. The planning stops at the goal and the reward. The steps between aren't interesting enough to hold my attention. Each new goal is stimulation. When it stops being new, I move to the next one. This isn't laziness. My brain requires novelty to stay engaged. Routine tasks feel physically painful to persist through.
Lying is easy. Sometimes it's deliberate - I know I'm doing it, I know why, it serves a purpose. Sometimes it's automatic - my mouth answers before I've decided to lie, and I only notice when someone catches it or I catch myself. "I don't know why I lied about that" is something I say regularly about small, pointless things. There's no internal alarm that goes off. I had to build a manual rule to be honest with my partner - not because lying felt wrong, but because getting caught was threatening something I wanted.
If I need something, I find a way to get it. The justification ranges from real medical needs to just wanting something. It doesn't matter - the process is the same. "They deserve it," "it works," "I'm bored," "I need it" - these are all interchangeable labels on the same action: I want, I take. I exploit financial situations when I can. Sometimes I just don't tell people and let them find out. I haven't been able to stop doing this even around the person I care about most. There's no internal monologue debating it. It just happens.
Sexually - I've used personas and claimed connections to get what I wanted. Found people who were easy to hook, told them what worked, got what I wanted, left. Mostly online to keep it clean. More like autopilot than conscious plan.
When someone tells me I hurt them, I either get angry or go blank. The connection between "I did this" and "that was wrong" doesn't fire emotionally. Growing up with abusive parents, it was strategic to please them - say sorry, perform compliance, stay safe. I carry that mask. Sorry was never about their feelings. It was threat management. When someone won't accept the sorry, my pathfinding breaks - I default to "I'll do better" but even that wears down. Once both scripts are exhausted, there's nothing.
I can't generate accountability from my emotions. So I built my own toolkit with DBT. I learned from another person with ASPD that cooperating with others to achieve goals is the path of least resistance. I work on hurtful behavior not because it feels wrong but because it's strategically important. The result looks the same from outside. The engine underneath is completely different.
My actual emotional range is: anger, arousal, and a small reward blip when I achieve something. That's mostly it. Trying to access anything else feels wrong - almost impossible. When someone gently tries to get me to engage emotionally, it triggers anger. That's usually when people notice something's off. I can produce tears, sadness, warmth on demand when the mask needs it - but underneath it's either one of those three things or nothing.
I don't automatically consider how my actions affect other people. It's not that I think about it and decide I don't care - it doesn't occur to me. My partner regularly tells me I'm being tactless and I genuinely didn't notice. Empathy is something I have to manually run, and if I'm not actively choosing to do it, it's just not there. I can learn the rules - "don't say that, don't do this" - but they're memorized, not felt.
If I need something, I find a way to get it. "They deserve it," "it works," "I'm bored," "I need it" - all interchangeable labels on the same action: I want, I take. I exploit financial situations when I can. Sometimes I just don't tell people and let them find out. I haven't been able to stop doing this even around the person I care about most. There's no internal monologue debating it. It just happens.
I'm angry most of the time. I don't hit people - the consequences aren't worth it. Instead it comes out as impatience, annoyance, sudden disproportionate intensity at random things. A cute character on screen can become a rage spiral. I've noticed I deliberately steer into trauma memories during these spirals - not because the trauma triggered the anger, but because the trauma gives the anger a "normal" reason to exist. I build the justification backwards. The anger was already there. I just find something to attach it to so it looks proportionate.
I attach fast - new person, new experience, immediate intensity. Then interest fades and I drop off. When choosing who to engage with, I'm running three calculations: is this person worth the energy, can they hold my interest, and can I maintain the mask around them. If any one of those fails, I'm gone. Online hookups were easiest - quick attachment, quick satisfaction, clean exit. I stopped managing multiples because the calculations got overwhelming. The desire for variety is still there.
I was labeled the "bad kid" by my abusers, so I channeled everything into proving them wrong on the surface. Underneath: lying constantly, stealing from school, home, friends, parents - if I wanted it I took it. Manipulating people and situations. Experimented with animal cruelty - starving ants, cutting up insects, hitting my dogs to see if it would make me feel something, suddenly choking them. I stopped because I decided animals are important to me and I don't want the consequences. The "good kid" performance was the mask already being built.
I have big goals constantly but the planning stops at the goal and the reward. Become an accountant - lots of money. Graphic novel - fame. Live in the forest with dogs. There's no roadmap between where I am and the goal. The steps aren't interesting enough to plan. When someone asks "how are you going to do that" I don't have an answer because the middle was never the point. The vision was the point. Then it fades and a new one replaces it.
I don't think before I act. There's no gap between wanting something and doing it. It's not that I consider the consequences and decide to ignore them - the consideration step doesn't exist. I can't think of specific examples because it's not a sometimes thing. It's how every decision works. Want, do. The pause other people have where they weigh options - I don't have that. By the time I could reflect, I've already done it. I've gotten better at building manual brakes over time, but the impulse is still instant.
I'm not irresponsible about things I care about. The problem is that what other people consider obligations often don't register as obligations to me. Bills, commitments, showing up on time - these matter to me only when they're connected to something I want. If they're not, they just don't exist in my awareness. It's not that I'm choosing to neglect them. They're not on the list.
When someone tells me I hurt them, I either get angry or go blank. The connection between "I did this" and "that was wrong" doesn't fire emotionally. Growing up with abusive parents, it was strategic to please them - say sorry, perform compliance, stay safe. I carry that mask. Sorry was never about their feelings. It was threat management. When someone won't accept the sorry, my pathfinding breaks - I default to "I'll do better" but even that wears down. Once both scripts are exhausted, there's nothing.
I can't generate accountability from my emotions. So I built my own toolkit with DBT. I learned from another person with ASPD that cooperating with others to achieve goals is the path of least resistance. I work on hurtful behavior not because it feels wrong but because it's strategically important. The result looks the same from outside. The engine underneath is completely different.
No marriages - that was part of the good kid script. But relationships cycle fast. Longest was about 2 years, shortest was 48 hours. The pattern is the same as everything else: intense attachment, novelty, then interest drops and I'm out.
13-18 was the most turbulent period. Direct threats on my abusive parents' lives. Stealing, sexual behavior, fighting, online manipulation. Met my ex (name)- tried to be "good and normal" and got exploited by his family instead. They wanted a compliant worker for their son's comfort. The mask I built to survive my parents became the thing other people used to exploit me. The anger was constant and now had a target. The ASPD wiring with no reason to hold back while being met with active abuse.
No legal involvement. Ever. Cost-benefit kept me out.
No comment.
first post. we're live.